Or, “Random Acts of Kindness and Bomb Threats”
Or, “One Woman’s Quest to Deal with Anxiety”(It was hard to pick a title for this post…)
Or, “One Woman’s Quest to Deal with Anxiety”(It was hard to pick a title for this post…)
Revelation: I have determined that most people are NOT stupid assholes.
I know, I know, those who know me personally are likely shocked by this statement. Believe me, it has thrown my universe into turmoil, as you see now I have to re-think my base assumptions. It would seem I’ve had an epiphany of sorts. And this is the random, twisty, pot-holed road I took to get there (you may want to grab a beverage and a snack – it rambles a bit).
Go on, pour yourself a glass. I’ll wait.
Ok, so until very recently it would appear that I hadn’t come into contact with very many different people. Mostly the same, relatively small number of people on a fairly regular basis. Why? Well, after some thought I believe it was a complicated math-y-type function of the following variables:
Where I worked. Including the company, the physical location (booneys), the relatively small number of people in my office, and the fact that we didn’t get out much and didn’t have a lot of visitors (to the office, I mean).
Having lived “abroad” for 6 years (and by “abroad” I mean Kelowna). We moved there and promptly got pregnant; having a baby right after moving there hampered the meeting people part (post-partum issues, especially anxiety, didn’t help that much either). The work situation was similar (except for location, it was stellar, and so were the folks there though few in number).
Excellent friends. Both The Husband and I have super awesome friends. It’s difficult for me to start new “serious” friendships because I already have several of the best ones you could ask for. I mean, I’m friendly, I’m not a total bitch, but it was hard to make new friends in Kelowna because of the good ones I had back home. No one really measured up - except LP, who is equally as bat shit crazy, sarcastic and smartypants as I am. Plus, I barely have time to see my most excellent friends, so how the hell can I fit new ones in? (I know, I know, terrible problem to have – but this is not a grateful, introspective post so fuck off and don’t judge me).
My shitty, shitty memory. I have a crappy memory for most things except random, useless fucking information. And it has gotten worse, likely because of the MS. Don’t get me wrong, though, it was always bad. I can’t remember people’s names (or their faces, or most things about them) unless I’ve met them several times. So I end up looking like a complete twat or a self-centered arse. Which I am not, but can totally see how people would think that. Again, not great for meeting people.
My general distrust of all things. You were waiting for me to say “… of all things lime green” or “… of all things with peppers in them”. Nope. ALL things. I am paranoid and have anxiety. I distrust everything, ESPECIALLY since my son was born. I’m working on it when I’m not trying to figure out who in the elevator is a serial killer…
So how did this tiny little world develop around me? Me, world traveller, adventurer and general “I’ll try anything once” girl? I came to dislike change. It’s not that I can’t cope with change – I very much can. It’s not that I don’t like new adventures or things of that sort – I definitely do. I don’t hate change - I just dislike it for the most part. It throws me for a bit of a loop and in my time-crunched, maxed-out, anxiety-ridden everyday world, I don’t have time for that. It fucks with my chi, if you will.
That, and because of my anxiety and busyness, it would seem that I subconsciously made my world smaller.
*****Feel free to use this space to refill your booze and replace your snack. Go on.*****
Where was I? Oh yeah. So, when my world has developed a nice, easy routine what do I do?
I blow it up. (That’s a reference for you, Trish)
Now I work at a very large company (literally thousands of people around me everyday) in a building on the 32nd floor (which bothers me in all sorts of ways – planes crashing into it, being on fire, the windows don’t open so recirculating germs, people going postal, getting trapped in an elevator, etc, etc) going to meetings where I have to remember peoples’ names (yikes) and people here are from all over the world. And I have to take the train everyday.
And most (like, 99%) of these new people I’ve encountered have been nice. Really quite lovely. Helpful. Genuine. Plus, I’ve been witness to, and occasionally the recipient of, random acts of kindness.
And thus the astounding revelation popped into my head (and was the impetus for this particularly long post, sorry) – most people are not stupid assholes, as I had previously presumed.
Hmmm. Imagine that!
This was GREAT! It was doing wonders for my anxiety. I actually let my kid go play at someone’s house down the road – someone I didn’t really know (ok, so she was like about 70 years old and it was her grandchildren, but it was progress for me). I stopped thinking about serial killers and kidnappers at least 60% of the time. I stopped worrying that at any moment anarchy was going to break out on the train and I was going to be attacked and it would be all “Mad Max” and everyone for themselves...AND I ACTUALLY WENT TO BED WITHOUT CHECKING THE DOORS AND WINDOWS MYSELF (seriously, it’s been years). We stopped to rescue a dog on the road, cars actually stopped, we found the owner and she was so incredibly happy and grateful. I met a bunch of really nice people at a course and we went for drinks and it was fun and none of them were serial killers or kidnappers or rapists. The world was all butterflies and flowers and designer handbags 80% off (that was a metaphor, not an actual sale, so don’t email me asking where the sale is). Things were going so well…
And then there was a bomb threat at the building next door which shut down half of downtown and we were on notice to evacuate (we didn’t, though) – fucked a little with the progress I had made with working in a tall building I cannot easily get out of. And then The Husband left the big, main window in the house open all night long (with fans going upstairs so I wouldn’t have heard anyone breaking in). And then they found those three kidnapped women in Cleveland…
Though I still stand by my revelation that most folks are not stupid assholes, I will be going home to have a big swig of wine anxiety medication tonight.
But I will be checking the windows and doors...
Two steps forward, one step back.
