dickpants

I'm not sure what happens to men as they get older...

My husband is normally a kind, considerate, polite and thoughtful person.  But over the last year he has declared a sort of mini-war on stupid and impolite people.  Recently, though, this mini-war has escalated into a full-on assault.

I'm not sure where it all started.  I think it was an accumulation of too many years of working with people, combined with too many encounters with poor customer service and regular run-ins with really stupid people - and one day he snapped.

He went from being super polite and patient husband to "hey ladies - if you are going to stop and compare plastic surgery stories would you mind not doing it in the middle of the fucking aisle?  Some of us have better things to do with our days then wait for you to fucking MOVE!"  This was at Superstore.  He then proceeded to move their carts out of his way WITH OUR CART.  I, meanwhile, turned around and went the other way...

And you need to understand, I myself am not the most patient person, so when I think you've gone too far, it is likely that you have.

He was on his way to the sportplex with our son for skating and some guy in a sportscar cut him off, and then gave him the finger to boot. This unfortunate fellow then also proceeded to go to the sportsplex...  and, admittedly, this guy parked like an asshole, at the end and taking up a spot and part of the aisle (difficult to explain).  So my husband proceeded to block him in.  When they were done skating my husband walked my son over to the mall for lunch on purpose.  When they got back the guy had likely been waiting there for a couple of hours... Before the guy can say anything, my husband loads my son in the car, shuts the door (at least he told me he did) and then says to the guy, "yup, betcha didn't think anyone could park like more of a douchebag than you, did ya?".  Then he just leaves.

I told him he was lucky - the guy could have been a nutter or had a gun or something!  My husband said the guy was short, fat, bald and judging from the cost of the car, was likely compensating for something.  He also added that if the guy had been huge, he wouldn't have done it.  At least not with wee man in the car.  So not dumb, but still...

Once in awhile, this is actually very funny.  On a constant basis, it can grate on you.

So I have developed a retaliatory mechanism that is short, to-the-point, yet conveys my dissatisfaction with his behaviour in a non-confrontational way:

'dickpants'

It started out with me asking him if he had put on his "I'm going to be a dick today" pants everytime I thought he was going too far.

It has been shortened now to just me looking at him and calling him "dickpants".  Point made.

Unfortunately, this has spawned the equally popular (but not with ME) "bitchshorts".

Ahhhh compromise.  It's what makes our relationship work. :)

Just when you've reached your limit...

Why do little kids only develop ear infections between the hours of 11:45 pm and 3:30 am?

WHY?

And why never on a weekend, unless there are plans that involve travel and/or reservations and/or prepaid anything?

Always Late Mommy was No Show Mommy today for work.  I have only have two weeks left before I start my new job, I'll be gone tomorrow for yet another MRI (which will be a write off - they have to sedate me because of my claustrophobia - will be f'd up for the day), AND Monday is a holiday here, I'm beginning to feel panicked about not getting things done.

This is the opposite of what the white coats have instructed me to be doing.  I'm supposed to be "relaxing" and "taking time for myself" and "sleeping" (imagine me doing air quotes while you read that).  And a bunch of other impossible bullshit for a mom, ahem, "stuff".

I remember when my main neurologist told me this and I laughed at him.  Hysterically.

He gave me the "look".  I've gotten that look many times before, so I'm used to it now.  The look that says "you are not taking this seriously" or "we can't help you if you refuse to help yourself" or "you are not listening and you will be sorry".

I do understand and I am listening.  I'm just not hearing anything that is remotely feasible for a working mom with a dependent parent and a husband who, well, tries.

I'm getting to my point, bear with me, I was up at 2am...

So I am overtired from being up all night with a screaming child (not just sick, but screaming in pain), my husband is not going to be able to handle this so I've just called into work and feel incredibly guilty for cancelling four appointments, my kid is crying out to me to make his ear stop hurting "please mommy please", I made the mistake of checking my email (48 new messages - great), and I am freaking about very soon being stuffed in a very tiny space for 90 minutes with no way to get out (you are strapped in).

It wasn't so much that I had reached my limit, I had gone so far past it I had almost lapped myself.

And then my wee man looks at me through his tears and stuffy nose and says, "I nub new mum, happy valtines day".  And miraculously falls asleep:

And THEN my husband gives me one of the best valentines presents ever.  It was folded up like a note that a boy would pass to you in school.

And I FINALLY get a cup of coffee.

All is right with the world again.  And it didn't take yoga or meditation or "me time" or deep breathing or any of that bullshit.

They can take their "look" and...

As good a place to start as any...

Ok, so I've been meaning to get on this for awhile.  But as the name of this blog implies, I'm *occasionally* pressed for time...

I'm not always late, but often.  Ok, a lot.  I try not to be, mostly because it makes people mad, not really because I want to be on time.

You see, I'm doing the best I can.

I am a wife, mommy, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and friend.  I have a 5 year old son and a husband who, on occasion, causes me more grief than my 5 year old son (love you honey!).

And while I am grateful for all of the people in my life that result in me being these things to them, I am also other things.

I am a full-time worker.  Specifically, a Professional Agrologist.  You'll have to look that up yourself - I've been trying to explain it for years and I'm pretty sure I lose most folks after the first 15 seconds.  Not only that, but because I am bossy and don't play well with others (that last part's not true anymore, they sent me for training to learn to be nice) I generally end up in charge.  Eventually.  Which sucks up even more time...

Before I go on, my apologies to all in my life who will be dragged into this blog.  You will not be named, but you will know who you are.  It was your fault for becoming involved with me in the first place.  If you didn't read the fine print, that's your problem now, people!  Except for my son.  Mommy apologizes and promises to pay for all your therapy later.

There's a whole lot more to all of the above, which is why I am here, writing this at this very moment. It is my way of trying to sort out the chaos of what happens everyday and put aside what brief moments I have to reflect a little, laugh a little, cry a little, vent a little, celebrate a little, and just generally be grateful for what I have.

Because life has a way of kicking you in the lady balls if you take it for granted (I fully stole that sentiment from a very humorous lady at I'm Not Drunk, Wait).

Did I also mention that for my birthday this last December that life decided to do just that?

Happy 42nd Birthday, Holly - you have MS! (*yay*  *balloons*  *pinata*  *cake*)

Yup, that'll get anyone's attention, even mine!

Life demanded quite insistently that I stop taking it for granted, take better care of myself, stop procrastinating and bloody well sort myself out!

Well, I'm getting to all of that after an initial period of being an ostrich about the whole matter and then feeling sorry for myself for a bit.

You are welcome to come along for the ride...